Memories

As I cleared out pictures on my phone a couple of days ago and I came across pictures that were connected with my last pregnancy experience. Just wanted to share them here:

 Baby Shaw at 7 weeks old. Healthy heartbeat and good size.

 

Willow was convinced that the baby was in her tummy and not mommy's :-) But seeing the ultrasound set her straight on that.

She was so amazed as she watched the tiny baby on the screen.

 

I was in maternity clothes by 9 weeks!



Willow giving kisses to the baby in mommy's tummy

 

 



My Girl

I love my daughter more than I can possibly explain. Every day with her finds new joys and deeper love than I knew existed. I tell her that she is my treasure. My heart melts when she says to me "Mommy, you're the prettiest ever!" I soak up every hug and kiss and cuddle. If I never have another baby I will still be so incredibly blessed to have this perfect little girl in my life.

Loss

First, why am I writing this?

1. It's good for me. I need to share, to write down my feelings, to remember.
2. It might be helpful to you who reads this. If you have never experienced something like this it would be good for you to know a little bit about what it is like. If you are a pastor, teacher, counselor, or someone who might need to help a person going through an emotional or physical crisis, then maybe my experiences could be eye opening for you.
3. A lot of people know anyhow.

I know, it's awkward. No one knows what to say, and that is ok. So let me break the ice for you and just get everything out in the open so my friends don't have to guess what I am feeling.


Do I think this is appropriate to share in such a public forum? Yes and no.

Yes, because this happened to me and it happens to a lot of women. Why is miscarriage such a big secret? Why can't we talk about our children who we have lost? Does it make you uncomfortable to hear about it? Well, sorry Charlie. Life is uncomfortable. Loving your friends and family is uncomfortable. Knowing the pain that they experience is uncomfortable. This happened to me and I am ok with talking about it.

No because... I don't know, but I am sure a reason will come to my mind right after I post this blog...

The Doomed Hershey Trip

I was 11 weeks pregnant. At 7 weeks I had an ultrasound that showed a perfect little tiny baby with a healthy beating heart. I went through the normal morning sickness phase (misery) and it was easing up so that I felt I could function as a normal human. Overall, feeling very good.

I left on a lovely Thursday morning to drive to Hershey, PA for the Women of Purpose conference. It was a strange morning. Normally, the promise of a weekend of work at the conference, refreshing services, great music, hanging out with great friends, seeing friends who I miss and wish I lived closer to, and eating all the Hershey's chocolate that I wanted would have me very excited! For some reason this morning was chaotic as I packed and my daughter was being difficult. I left the house feeling frazzled.

I arrived to the conference (late) and went about getting settled and helping at the registration desk with set up and ticket sales. I took a quick break to run to the restroom and then it began... I was bleeding. It was very light but my heart instantly sunk into my stomach and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I tried to go about my evening as if everything was fine. I attempted to not think about it during a reps dinner meeting. I put it out of my mind as I worked on little projects that evening. Around 9:00 PM I went to my room to shower and get ready for bed. The bleeding was much heavier. At this point I just had a sick feeling in my stomach that this was not ok. I checked in with my mom and some friends and posted some questions on the Facebook groups for moms that I am a part of. With the encouragement of everyone I decided to run across the street to Hershey Medical Center to get checked out.

Hershey Med

I walked in to the ER around 9:45 PM. As I checked in at the front desk I just lost my composure and began to cry. I felt so bad for the poor girl checking me in! She sweetly handed me tissues and I gave her my insurance card and ID. I was taken in within minutes. It was the routine blood draw, IV prep, urine sample, and embarrassing hospital gown.

Eventually a doctor examined me and I knew it wasn't hopeful from his tone of voice. It wasn't the cervix bleeding, there was blood coming through. Not good.

I had no cell service in my room in the ER, so Facebook messages were the only communication between me and my husband. I know he was freaking out. By the time I knew things were not good it was midnight. I was more than three hours away and he was home with our sleeping two year old and his car is not reliable. Although he so desperately wanted to get up right then and come to the hospital I told him no because it made absolutely no sense.

A doctor came in and talked to me. It seemed he was trying to prepare me for the worst case scenario. He explained that they might have to use some "scary" language like "spontaneous abortion" and what that meant. I explained that the night before I had been making dinner and suddenly felt a little rush of liquid, as if my water had broken. He agreed that it might have been. I asked if it was possible that it could have been because I had a UTI which had been undiagnosed for a little while. He said it was possible. When he left I pulled the sheets over my head and cried and said "I'm sorry" over and over. I felt a crushing weight of guilt as if I had killed my baby. I have a very tough time swallowing pills and while pregnant it is almost impossible. When I was diagnosed with UTI I was given big capsules to take a few times a day. It was impossible. I tried taking them by pouring the powder into juice to drink. Awful! In the end I only kept a few doses down. I really did try. In that moment in the ER I seriously thought that my water had broken and my baby was slowly dying inside of me because I hadn't taken my antibiotics. What an absolutely horrendous feeling.

I waited in my room for quite a while before they came back to get me for an ultrasound. Ultrasounds are usually exciting. Not this one. I was in a hospital gown, in a wheel chair, covered with blankets. Since I had showered and then went straight to the hospital my hair was slicked back into an ugly bun and I was makeup free. I looked a mess and felt it too. I was wheeled down to the ultrasound room which was in a wing that was being remodeled. It was all torn up and felt very cold and deserted. The girl who did my ultrasound was not my favorite person. She tried to get a look externally, which had worked just fine when I was 7 weeks pregnant. But she couldn't see anything that way so told me she was going to do the ultrasound internally. I don't curse, but for sure I was thinking of some bad names for her at that point. She yammered on and on about how she was supposed to be off at 11PM (it was after 1AM at that point) and how she wanted to be home on the couch in comfortable clothes watching TV. Uh, yeah lady... me too! The ultrasound took F O R E V E R and it was totally miserable. When it was over I sat in the room alone in my wheel chair waiting to be taken back up to the ER. As I waited I looked at the ultrasound screen and saw the estimated due date for this baby was June 20th, a full two weeks later than it should have been. I knew what that meant.

Back in the ER my doctor came in to see me and talk to me. He was so nice and compassionate and appropriately sad for me, unlike my ultrasound tech. He confirmed that this was a case of fetal demise and the baby had passed probably two weeks before. My body was now beginning the process of expelling the miscarriage. I can't even explain the weird sense of relief that the baby was already dead, probably due to chromosomal problems, and it wasn't my fault.

I got dressed and collected my things and walked out. As I left the ER a concerned doctor stopped to as if I was ok. I'm sure I looked like a train wreck. I went back to my hotel expecting to find my roommates sleeping. To my surprise they were awake at 3AM! It was comforting to have their company for a few minutes before we all fell asleep.

The Drive Home

On Friday morning I woke up feeling numb. I packed my things up and my roommates prayed for me. They didn't want me to drive home alone, but I assured them that I was ok. On my way out several friends offered to drive with me, but I was just feeling like I wanted to grab a Starbucks and drive home by myself. So that is what I did. I know this totally stressed out some of my friends! Honestly, I had no idea what was coming. I was thinking it would be something like a bad period. Not a big deal. I called a friend on my way out of the conference center and she warned me that it was going to be very painful. I talked with my doctor over the phone and he also told me that because of how far along I was this was going to be very difficult physically. I think if someone had said to me "you're essentially going into labor!" that might have made sense to me. Instead I was thinking "how bad can this really be?" Well, let me tell you... BAD! Thankfully I made I home without incident.

At home I spent some time cuddling my daughter and crying with my husband. We were all very exhausted and napped for a bit that afternoon. When I woke up I sent my husband to the store to get my prescription pain medications that my doctor had called in plus a bunch of snacks and easy meal items. It was around that time that the pain really began.

A Natural Miscarriage

Warning: mildly graphic with talk of blood. Writing this part for the sake of other moms who might experience the same thing.

At first I managed the pain very well. I could describe it as very bad menstrual cramping. The pain came in waves and I felt fine in between. Over a few hours the pain continually intensified until it was nearly unbearable. The bleeding picked up very drastically. By 8PM I was in terrible pain and was unable to keep any medication down to assist with the pain. I took a bath and after I was finished and walking out of the bathroom I had a sudden rush of fluid. It was an instant relief! I thought maybe it would be better after that... WRONG! As soon as I got comfortable in the living room again I hit the pain wall. My husband was upstairs trying to get our two year old to sleep. I ended up on the living room floor thrashing around and moaning. The pain wasn't coming in manageable waves any more. Just constant, terrible pain.

At a certain point I stood myself up and walked towards the bathroom. Suddenly I felt a massive rush of blood and it was so shocking I think I screamed. This is the part where my husband had to switch into Hazmat mode. The bleeding for the next few hours was absolutely unbelievable. I can't believe someone can lose that much blood and still be ok. My poor husband would clean up the bathroom after I turned it into a crime scene, then 15 minutes later he would have to be doing it again.

Shortly into the bleeding craziness I began to pass very very large clots. At first, every time I passed them I screamed because it was such a shocking feeling. At one point I passed the gestational sack. I believe this is when I also delivered the baby.

The Part that Bothers Me Still

I was really scared of seeing the baby. I didn't know what I would do. How would I react? The anticipation of seeing it was so frightening. So at the moment when I was pretty sure I had passed the baby, I panicked and flushed the toilet. That is hard to say. I mean, what should I have done? There was so much blood, I really didn't want to go there. It was too gruesome so I freaked and just flushed everything. The next day it really began to hit me hard that my babies little body was flushed down the toilet. That hurts.

A Little Relief

After passing the pregnancy tissue the cramping and bleeding continued, but it was much better. I was able to get some sleep between 3:00 and 8:00 AM.

My mom drove in on that Saturday to stay with us and help with my daughter. I continued to have painful cramping and some bleeding for the next two days, but it was actually nice to relax and not have to do anything.

Monday

That Monday I was scheduled for an ultrasound and doctors visit. The ultrasound was first. I was relieved to see an empty uterus on the screen because I felt like it was all over. This was a hard thing for my husband. He had to turn away and not look at the screen. The ultrasound tech told me that there was still a good bit of pregnancy tissue (blood and stuff) stuck at the bottom of the uterus. When my doctor examined me he confirmed that he could see something blocking the cervix and therefore not letting everything else come out. He used forceps to try to remove it. And yes, that hurt terribly! He couldn't get it so he kept asking for longer forceps. I shouldn't have looked at the forceps they were brining in. I can't believe how long they were! I was digging my fingers in to the side of the bed and trying not to scream. Then my husband, who had been quietly holding my hand, said in a very shaky voice, "um, I don't feel good..." We all looked at him and he was white as a ghost! He nearly passed out. I told him to sit in the chair but the doctor told him not to go there because it was behind the doctor and there was a lot of blood. Not so good to see if you're already woozy! So Josh sat on the floor next to my bed. The nurse gave him juice and a cold rag for his head and he slowly felt better. The doctor finally gave up because he wasn't able to remove the blockage and it was getting kind of crazy intense in there what with me in a ton of pain and my husband about to keel over.

That evening the doctor called me to apologize for all of the pain I went through during the visit. He prescribed me an antibiotic and scheduled me to see him again in a week.

The Infection

On Wednesday I woke up feeling very depressed. I stayed in bed until 11AM. All day I just felt so miserable.

Around dinner time I began to feel very cold. My mom brought me blankets and turned the heat up, but I felt more and more cold until I was shaking. I tried to eat something but it didn't help. I could feel that the house was very warm but I couldn't stop shaking. After an hour I knew something just wasn't right. I took my temperature and was very upset to see that it was over 101. I knew this was a very bad thing. I called my doctor and left a message. I took my temperature again... 102. My doctor called me and I explained what was happening. He later told me he could literally hear me shaking and knew from the sound of my voice that it was serious. He told me to get to the hospital immediately and he would meet me there.

I called my husband who didn't answer. At that very moment he was at church speaking in the youth service. I sent a frantic text to several of the youth staff that I needed him to come take me to the hospital immediately. Someone ran up to him to show him the text and he left right then to get me.

It was cold outside, so when my husband took me from the house to the car the cold went right into me and I went from shaking a lot to shaking violently. I felt like I was being punched in the stomach. Every few seconds I would suddenly double over with a guttural "UGH" sound as I shook all over. My head hurt so bad it felt like it would explode. By the time we reached the hospital I had no feeling in my legs.

After being checked in at the ER they put several heavy heated blankets over me, but I was still so incredibly cold. When I arrived my temperature was over 104. At a certain point it went over 105 and then the nurses were saying I had the highest fever they had ever seen. Not sure what that final temperature was. I was half out of my mind by this point. I was crying, vomiting, hyperventilating, and generally feeling like I was dying. I remember looking at the clock as I tried to keep myself under control and realizing that if I didn't have the doctors and nurses there to help me I would surely not survive this. That is a crazy moment of realization to have.

I was already crazy, but when the nurse told me they were going to catheterize me I flipped out! I was crying and screaming that I didn't want them to touch me. In the end, I won! The doctor felt so bad for me that he decided not to bother with the catheter. They prepped me for surgery and took me to the OR. At the point that they wheeled me out of the ER I don't remember a whole lot. I was just soooooo happy to see the mask coming over my face when they put me out for the surgery. Sweet relief!

After surgery I was moved to ICU. That was a weird experience! So many tubes all over me, people watching me and my vitals constantly, being stuck with needled during the night, loud noises of all of the machines... but I also had some Demerol, which was awesome! After all I had been through I was so happy when they gave me the pain medications because I instantly felt warm and numb. Numbness was a very welcome feeling. I was also very chatty. I couldn't stop talking! My voice was very hoarse from having been intubated, but it didn't stop me from wanting to talk to all of the nurses about anything that came to my mind!

Recovery

When I was released from ICU to a normal hospital room I was told I would be there for several days. Thank God they only kept me there for another day! I was absolutely miserable in the hospital. My IV bothered me (to put it mildly), my bed was terribly uncomfortable, and I just wanted to be home with my little girl. Once my fever had been under control for 24 hours they released me. I wanted to be happy but I couldn't conjure up that emotion. My arm hurt very badly from the IV, my hand and arm were so swollen that I couldn't use it at all or even bend my fingers, my eyes were swollen nearly shut, my head hurt, I was exhausted from lack of sleep, and I felt gross and just wanted to shower. As we drove home I just felt so angry. I don't know who I was angry at, just angry in general. I hurt all over on the outside and was angry all over on the inside. My husband had to take me home and then leave for the weekend for a youth retreat. That was hard to deal with.

By the next morning I was beginning to feel a little more human. I weighed myself and saw that I had gained 11 pounds of fluid while in the hospital. Yikes! I took it very easy and let myself slowly come back to life. The next week was Thanksgiving and I was very thankful that I was well enough to travel to see family and enjoy the holiday.

Emotional Recovery

How are you really supposed to feel after an experience like this? I think we are allowed to feel whatever we want. I personally had a very tough time with social situations for a while. It took a few weeks for me to be able to go to church. The first time I did I had to leave early because it was just too hard for me. Sometimes when I'm around a lot of people I just shut down. It's like I can't see right or totally comprehend what people are saying to me. This is a very hard thing to mask when it is happening!

A sweet friend put my name in to receive a bear from Heart Stitches. When it arrived I didn't open it and threw the box behind my couch so I couldn't see it. After a week I opened it with my husband and we cried together. I didn't get to burry my baby. I imagine that if I had eventually the grass would grow over the teeny tiny little grave. So now I have my bear sitting on a bookshelf next to a little arrangement that looks like grass.

January

Now it is January. I should be halfway through my pregnancy. I should be learning my baby's gender and giving my baby a name. But it will never be.

I now understand some things a little better. I can see how a person can love each of their children individually. I used to hear of parents losing their only child and think to myself that I definitely wanted to have several children so I would never be in that position. But that isn't how it works. If you have 15 children or 1 child and lose one it is an absolutely terrible thing. Each child is precious and loved and can't be replaced by another. I am so happy to have my little girl. I don't know what I would do without her. Even though I have her, I still miss my little baby who I only knew for three months. Each one is precious. Each one is my baby. One is with me and one is in heaven.

Why?

This is a question I really don't ask because there isn't an answer. Bad things happen. We live in a fallen world and while on this earth we will experience pain. The hope we have is that there will be an end to our suffering and we will be reunited with our loved ones in heaven where there will be no more sadness or tears.

"And He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away. And He who sits on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new.""

<3 Carissa

Click here to visit my main blog

What to Do (and Not Do) for Parents Suffering a Loss

My thoughts here are based on my own experience with miscarriage, but some points may also fit for those dealing with stillbirth, child loss, or any death of a loved one.

I admit I haven't always known what to do or say for friends experiencing a miscarriage. It is hard to understand unless you've been there. Even then, everyone deals with things in different ways. There are no easy answers. There is no manual to describe exactly what to do and what to say. But here are a few thoughts...

What Not to Say

1. Don't try to say there must be some purpose for this. What purpose could there possibly be for something so awful? It doesn't mean that eventually the family can find ways to use the experience to bring about positive change in their lives. But soon after a loss is not a good time to be talking about there being a purpose. A parent may express that they want to use the tragedy for good in the future, but let them say those things; you shouldn't.

2. Don't suggest that the parents look at the positive side of things. Let people feel what they need to feel.

3. Don't say anything about the baby being in a better place. That is true, but the family left to grieve the loss is not better off.

What to Say

1. I'm sorry. This sucks. It isn't fair.

2. How are you feeling? This is a good question because depending on how the person is feeling about sharing their feelings they can say very little or they can say a lot. Don't push it, just listen.

3. Guys, think of the husband too. It is important to know that the dad is struggling too. Send a text, make a phone call, send a Facebook message and let him know you're there for him.

What to Do

1. Send a text, a Facebook message, or maybe even make a phone call to say you love them and are praying for them. No advice. Nothing intrusive. Just reach out. You don't need to know what to say. Just I'm sorry and I care.

2. Head to the grocery store and call (maybe call the husband if the mom is still suffering physically) or send a text to ask what they want. Toilet paper? Paper towels? Bread, milk, snacks? Don't ask "can I bring you anything?" Say "I'm out now at the store to get some things for you so you don't have to go out. Any suggestions?"

3. Make a meal and drop it off. Call first to find out if they have any food preferences. If they already have meals for that day then make a freezer meal for them to use when they need it.
     Sidebar: When making a meal...
             1. Use disposable containers and let the family know they do not need to return them.
             2. Make a main dish, one or two sides, and dessert.
             3. Consider also making up a nice basket of items for the next morning such as bagels and cream cheese, muffins, biscuits, fruit, a bottle of juice, etc.

4. Send flowers and a card. Some people don't like flowers, so think of an alternative like Edible Arrangements. Another great idea would be a card with a gift card in it. I received a sympathy card and a spa gift card and that was such a nice surprise for me as I was experiencing a difficult miscarriage.

5. Listen. Most parents experiencing loss are actually more interested in talking about the loss than some may think. We want to remember our little one. We need to share our feelings. I don't want to pretend this didn't happen.

6. Encourage mutual friends to reach out. This depends on how public the news of the miscarriage is. If it is appropriate, encourage mutual friends, co-workers, etc. to do things such as those listed above to show support and love for the grieving parents.

7. Adjust your expectation. Don't put any pressure on the parents to do anything extra too soon after the loss. Ease up your expectations of them as a friend, boss, co-worker, family member, etc. Put their feelings first.

8. Don't exclude your friend from social invitations, play dates, etc. They may say no if they're not emotionally up to participating, but being excluded hurts.


If you have more thoughts and ideas please post them in the comments.

<3 Carissa

Click here to visit my main blog

On the Night You Were Born

As September came to a close I was feeling large and miserable and so very ready to get the baby out of me! Willow was not necessarily more active than normal, just very strong! Her turning and kicking inside of me was downright painful! In addition, I was dealing with uncomfortable swelling in my feet (Joshua called me Frodo Baggins) and a nasty bout of acid reflux every night. I was SO done with pregnancy!

At my doctor’s appointment on September 22^nd the doctor decided we needed to set a date for induction. Apparently they felt my pelvis is a little small and they weren’t sure if I could get Willow out without a C-section if she got too big. The date was set for October 3^rd to begin the process and then October 4^th for Pitocin.

October 3^rd came and since I hadn’t gone into labor we started with the less than natural birth plan. I just wanted her out! The prostaglandin gel, sadly, did nothing for me. No labor on the 3^rd L I spent the evening with Josh and my parents. We played games and baked cookies for the nurses to keep my mind off of everything.

On the morning of October 4^th I was up by 4:00 am. How can a person sleep knowing (or not really knowing) what was going to happen that day?! I ate Rice Krispies and then a caramel apple (I know…) and sat on the couch trying to absorb how big the day was going to be for me.

We arrived at the hospital around 8:15 am to check in at 8:30. I was shaking I was so nervous! Nervous and excited. We got settled in the labor and delivery room. The rooms have windows overlooking the Susquehanna River. It took quite a lot of prep before they finally started the Pitocin. I was so scared of it. As they hooked me up I told josh that I felt like I was being connected to the lethal injection! Actually, for me it ended up not being too terribly bad.

Contraction began slowly and painlessly. Throughout the day the pain intensified. I dealt with each contraction by yelling “NOOOO!” and then grabbing franticly at Josh’s shirt and then finally settling into my breathing (thank you Lamaze!) until the contraction ended. They hurt a lot but I was expecting worse. I’m sure they would have been worse if I had made it all the way to the birth. In the morning when I first arrived I was 1.5 cm dilated. Around 11:00 am I was 2.5 and I never dilated any further. They broke my water in the early afternoon (that was AWFUL!) but that didn’t help me progress. By 5:00pm I was at the highest level of Pitocin they would give me. Contractions were 60 seconds apart. The doctor checked again an STILL 2.5 cm. I was so frustrated that during a contraction I gasped to Josh “call the nurse! I’ll take the epidural!” If I had been making progress I would have continued without it. The doctor was hoping if I could relax then my body would progress. She gave me till 8:00 pm to see how things would go.

8:00 pm came and the doctor appeared right on schedule. 2.5 cm. Bummer. She knew I was frustrated and disappointed and she just gave me a sympathetic look. I said “I’m getting a C-section, huh?” She said “Yes, I think that’s best at this point.” I just said “ok” and then the whole process began. At that moment I felt relieved and excited that I was about to see my baby!

C-section wasn’t what I wanted nor what I expected, so I was really unprepared. Lamaze does not teach what you really need to know for this situation. Kind of seems ridiculous since 1 in 3 births is by C-section. Once they got me all ready and wheeled me in to the operating room I became more and more scared. They strapped my arms down and then upped the medication through the epidural catheter. The doctor checked to see if I was numb enough to begin. I wasn’t. We waited a while and she checked me again. I could still feel the poking. They upped the medication again. Then my blood pressure dropped and I began vomiting. I had started shaking all over during labor before the epidural. At this point I was so scared I think it just made me shake even more. It was awful! I’ve never been so scared in my life! The nurse sitting with me was wonderful and took good care of me. The anesthesiologist was so kind to me and was wiping my tears away and telling me about how his wife just had a baby a few weeks before. They kept me sane!

When I was finally numb the doctor asked someone to bring Josh in and she began cutting. I was still shaking and scared. Gee they do really jerk you around the table when they do a C-section! I was good until a certain point when I realized I wasn’t all the way numb. That’s right… worse fear realized; I could feel the pain! Yikes! I yelled “Owwwww!” and the doctor stopped and asked the anesthesiologist what was wrong. He said “I don’t know” and asked me what I was feeling; pain or pressure. I yelled “PAIN!!!” The doctor told me to hold on and she kept going. At that point they wanted to get the baby out quickly. The moment they pulled her out I got a shot of morphine. But the best pain relief was hearing my baby cry! Then I cried so loud!

It turns out that the umbilical cord was too short, so it was a good thing I had a C-section. It could have been dangerous otherwise!

I saw Willow for a quick second as she was whisked by. I told Josh to stay with her as they got her cleaned up behind me. I loved hearing those little cries! J They called out her weight and length; 7 pounds and 4 ounces and 20.5 inches long. Josh told me she had dark hair. Then eventually he was able to bring her over to me. Then I cried out loud and thanked God for our baby daughter.

The best moment of my life.

And here she is as I write this :-)

Beautiful Things

I’ve been listening to Michael Gungor’s most recent album, Beautiful Things. Loving it! I find so much personal connection with the title track in particular. Here are the lyrics:

Beautiful Things
All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make me new, You are making me new

During some of the difficult moments I’ve experienced in life (such as difficult job transitions or our infertility) I’ve found such beauty in worshipping through the pain. It’s like when you feel your arms are empty they’re totally free to reach up to the Heavens. There is a precious connection that takes place as you reach up and through the raw emotion to reach out to our Heavenly Father. 

I’ve had so many of those moments over the past few years. One in particular that I remember vividly was at a ladies Cadre retreat at Jeanne Mayo’s house. We were in her living room for a particularly powerful and intimate service. At the end they played Restoration by David Brymer and we began worshipping. Right there in Jeanne’s living room I had one of the most powerful worship experiences of my life. Thankfully the music was loud, because I must have sounded like a blubbering idiot, half sobbing and half singing at the top of my lungs. That weekend had been especially healing for me in the area of being childless. I had been able to share the pain with others for the first time and had received so much encouragement. So there in that moment during our final service together I let it all go. It was tremendously painful and beautiful all at the same time. It’s these moments of complete release and honesty in worship that I treasure so much.

Restoration

You bring restoration
You bring restoration
You bring restoration
To my soul

You've taken my pain
Called me by a new name
You've taken my shame
And in its place, You give me joy

You take mourning and turn it into dancing
You take weeping and turn it into laughing
You take mourning and turn it into dancing
You take my sadness and turn it into joy

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
You make all things new, all things new

I hope these songs encourage you. Wherever you are in life and whatever you are dealing with, remember that He sees you. When your arms feel empty just lift them up to Him.

Miracles Do Happen

It’s my first post in a while. Probably because I've been busy being pregnant! :-)

I knew I was pregnant on January 27th. I went to the store after work that day and bought a pregnancy test kit. At home I casually made conversation about my day with Josh who was sitting in the living room. I took the test then put groceries away and continued chatting with Josh. 3 minutes later I saw two lines. I called out from the bathroom "uhh... Joshua, come here..." He came and I showed him the test. He didn't believe it. I was getting excited and he just kept saying "I don't know..." I think after everything we've been though it just wasn't believable to him. Understandable.

On January 28th I went to a doctor’s appointment with Josh. He had a pre-scheduled appointment to go over some blood work results. At the office I said to the nurse "I think I might be pregnant. What do I do now?" She offered to give me another test to make sure. I did the test and then we waited. A couple of minutes later the nurse peeked in the door with the test in hand and said "congratulations, Daddy!" Josh jumped and yelled "WHAT?!" Then we hugged and cried and laughed. He finally believed me!

Considering everything we've been through over the past few years, and especially the past 6 months, it's easy to consider this a miracle. I'm thankful for the experiences we've had, even the painful ones. We've learned to be patient and trust that God has a plan. In the end I can say with conviction that even if God had not blessed us with this child we would have continued to have faith and patience for the journey. So now it is with pure joy and awe that we get to begin the next part of our journey. Parenthood, here we come!

Here's a baby picture from a few weeks ago. Sweet little jelly bean!

Learning from Kate Gosselin

Why must fertility struggles always come with a strong dose of desperation? What good does it do for a person to become desperate? “Desperate to have a child” is a miserable place where I’ve decided not to go.

Enter the Gosselins. I have to admit that when their show first started I was a big fan. I thoroughly enjoyed watching the peculiar life that they led due to their unusual family dynamics. It was very interesting to me. Plus, the kids were adorable! Sadly, over the past few years we’ve all witnesses the sad and pathetic destruction of this family at Jon and Kate’s own hands. By the last season of the show I couldn’t stand to watch it.

Where did they go wrong? It’s really not our place to say, however, early on while listening to their story I saw a big red flag. You know, the desperation flag.

Jon and Kate were married mere weeks before trying to have a baby. Only a few months passed before they got desperate and sought the help of a fertility specialist. Their twins were born 1 year and 4 months after their wedding. What a rush! It’s not as if they were nearing the end of their childbearing years. They were only 24 and 22 when they married. Having time to just be husband and wife in the first few years of marriage is a precious thing. Too bad they missed out on that.

Desperation seems to negate a person’s ability to wait with patience. Along with the waiting comes the grace to handle the blessing when it comes.

I believe Josh and I have been able to avoid the desperation trap because we are so firmly planted in the faith that God has everything under control! We’re being diligent to pursue the path that He puts before us. Step by step He gives us guidance, wisdom, and comfort. Sure, I really want to be a mom by age 30 (coming very soon!) but it’s not my plan that matters. I KNOW that God has the best possible plans in store for you (and me), but you just need to calm the heck down! Focus on being a godly, loving, unselfish person. Let God bring the blessings to you.

Disclaimer: I am not in any way against fertility treatments. There is also a very practical side of fertility issues. People have to DO something (pursue adoption, fertility treatments, etc.)! In this post I am encouraging people to be patient and have a peaceful attitude when facing these issues.

A Baby for Christmas

Christmas is the worst time for me when it comes to being childless. I think it's because the holiday seems so dull without kids to share it with.

Maybe in two more Christmas' we'll have a little man or a little lady to enjoy the celebration with? (or twins? :-)

Bad News

Our second meeting with our fertility doctor was last week. As we parked at Hershey Med I thought back to our first appointment a few weeks before. I had been so excited for that visit and then felt so hopeful when it was finished. For some reason I had a tiny bit of dread as we headed in to the hospital for our second visit. I had a feeling that it wasn't going to be a pleasant visit.


It was a short meeting. We were in and out of the hospital in 25 minutes. It doesn't take long to learn bad news, I suppose.


Josh and I have decided to keep the details to ourselves, but in short, it is probably not going to ever be possible for us to have biological children. The first test results were very bleak. Unfortunately this means we have to go through more tests over the next few months to make sure the first tests weren't a fluke and then to see if there is anything "wrong" that can be corrected medically. The doctor told us that in only 30% of these cases can they actually determine a cause. The other 70% of people with this same issue find that it can never be explained. It's not anything we're doing wrong. There's nothing we could try to fix it. It has nothing to do with medications we're on, losing or gaining weight, eating differently, herbal remedies, or anything else. It just is what it is. We're still hoping we could be in that 30% and that if we are that there is something that can be done to help. Honestly, we have strong doubts.


At this time we've decided to move forward with the recommended tests and see what happens. Thankfully at this point it seems like I would be a good candidate to carry an adopted baby (embryo adoption). I'm feeling like we will probably be submitting an application for adoption within the next 3-5 months.


Waiting stinks.

Hershey Trip

Been a while since my last post! It's been a busy few weeks!

I need to catch up a bit, so today I'll blog about our first visit with Dr. Dodson. We had our appointment on November 23rd. We're so blessed to be near Hershey Medical Center with it's renowned staff of physicians. After my family doctor recommended we see a fertility specialist I just looked up Hershey and called for an appointment. Thankfully we only needed to wait a few weeks for the appointment.

I was very excited for the first appointment. As we were driving to Hershey Med I received a call from Megan, an adoption agent with Snowflake Adoptions (through Nightlight International). She was wonderful! She answered my questions about embryo adoption. I told her we were on our way to the fertility doctor at Hershey. She said Hershey has performed several successful FET's for Snowflake families within the past few years. We talked for a bit and she gave me a few ideas of what to ask the doctor. Speaking with her was so encouraging and really made me feel excited for the possibility.

We maneuvered our way through the massive hospital and arrived at the Women's Clinic. We didn't wait very long before we were ushered into an office to meet with Dr. Dodson. He is a wonderful doctor! I loath doctors who don't listen to the patient. He did a great job listening to us, answering our questions, and then listening to us again. It was a hopeful meeting. He said he really felt like he can help us.

As we left the clinic I was on an emotional high. Parenthood has never felt closer.

Snowflakes

From Nighlight International's website:

The increasing number of families dealing with infertility issues has led the medical profession to develop ever more creative solutions. We are now encountering new issues created by these new solutions, including the existence of hundreds of thousands of frozen embryos created through in-vitro fertilization. Couples who successfully give birth after IVF grapple with the question of what to do with remaining embryos. Pre-born children who once were highly prized now exist in a state of suspended animation, their future very much in doubt.

Nightlight Christian Adoptions is a licensed adoption agency with over 50 years of experience in helping to build families and solve family problems. We were the first licensed agency in the nation to provide for the adoption of embryos. The focus of Snowflakes is to reach out to those post-infertility patients who have been successful in conceiving and giving birth to children through in-vitro fertilization and are now confronted with the decision of planning the future of their frozen embryos.

Thanksgiving is Coming!

Thanksgiving is less than a week away! I’m excited for next week for a few reasons: Only working 2 half days next week, family coming for the holiday, and our first appointment with the infertility specialist is on Tuesday. I feel like this is the real starting point of our journey. This is where we begin to gather information to help us make an informed decision.

This is the time of year that I can’t help but wonder where we will be (in life) next Thanksgiving and Christmas. Or even the one after that. My hope is that our first child will be with us sometime within the next few Christmas’s.

Thought's on Jealousy

At the gym yesterday I was finishing up an intense workout.  As I hoped on a treadmill to walk and bring my heart rate down I saw the cutest little pregnant girl (probably about my age). She was talking on her phone and briskly walking. No doubt as her teeny little pregnant belly grows into a giant baby house she’ll lose her ability to multi-task in this fashion.

My point is that there are pregnant women everywhere. This may seem like a simple and obvious observation, so hang with me as I go a little deeper into my thought.

It seems that not a month goes by that I don’t see a Facebook friend’s happy pregnancy announcement; often a little too early, I’m afraid. A nugget of wisdom for you: it’s always prudent to refrain from sharing the good news until the first trimester is over and the risk of miscarriage is lower. But, I digress…

It often feels like everyone is pregnant; except me, of course.

I feel it’s important for me to say this: I am not jealous. I’ve known childless women who would feel great emotional pain whenever someone close to them would become pregnant. Some of these ladies avoid situations where they will be around mothers with babies. They are miserable on Mothers Day rather than celebrating their own mother or spiritual mothers. How sad! I won’t allow myself to go to that kind of dark place. It could be easy to go there, so I always do what I need to do to manage my emotions rather than letting my emotions control my life.

Jealously means wanting (coveting) something that someone else has. It also means envying someone else’s happiness because you are miserable. I am not harmed by someone else’s happiness. I will not covet another’s blessing.

None of my friends ever need to feel bad for me or feel guilty when they tell me that they’re going to have a baby. I am not jealous.

It's a Wonderful Life

Feeling much better today! I fully anticipate up’s and down’s. Today is an “up”. J These are the kind of days when I can see clearly. I have a wonderful life!

I have an Awesome God who is on my side. No matter what I’ve done wrong in my life or how I’ve felt He has always shown His amazing mercy and grace to me. I’ve been blessed beyond what I deserve.

I have a wonderful husband who loves me. He really is God’s gift to me. We’ve had our bad days and some really bad days, as I’m sure all married couples do. Through it all we’ve stood together. We’ve made some great memories together. I can’t imagine life without him.

I have a great family and had a happy childhood. I never take these things for granted. I love my parents and am so thankful for all they have done for me. I have an amazing and talented baby brother who I am so proud of. I have a gorgeous and completely wonderful sister-in-law-to-be who I am so thankful for.

I have two exceptionally adorable fur-babies. They sometimes cause me major frustrations but it all seems to melt away when they happily greet me when I come home from work. It’s wonderful to be loved and needed by helpless creatures. They melt my heart.

I have an awesome church that I am thankful for every day. Josh’s “job” at our church is just another sign of God’s love and provision for us. God must like us a lot! J

I may not have much money, a college degree, my dream house, or a lot of worldly success; but I have a lot of love. For that I am so thankful. I may not have my babies yet, but I believe that with God all things are possible.

Infertility is not going to ruin my life. This journey is enhancing my life in ways I don’t fully understand yet.

I always feel so sad for couples who allow their fertility struggles to ruin their lives and marriage. This is a journey that requires reliance on God, love for each other, and thankfulness for our many blessings. If you are dealing with infertility do not let the enemy rob you of what blessings you already have. Do not let your marriage be destroyed. Do not allow yourself to become buried in bitterness, jealousy, and resentment. We all have our “down” days, but don’t allow yourself to be robbed of the “ups”.

First Bout of Sadness

Feeling sad at the moment. I don’t know why but I’ve been extremely moody, emotional, and exhausted since last night. I’m not PMS-ing, so who knows…

Actually, at the moment I’m just feeling helpless. I contacted several organizations that offer grants for adoption to see if an embryo adoption qualifies for a grant.

Hello Carissa,
Thank you for your email and interest in our grant program. Unfortunately, you are not eligible for our program.
Best of luck,
Grants Manager

This brought tears to my eyes as I my feelings that no one will be interested in helping us were again re-enforced. In my research I have discovered so many wonderful organizations offering financial assistance possibilities for those looking to adopt an orphan. Praise God! I love that! I am so thankful for the work these organizations are doing. Am I selfish if I ask “what about me?” Yes, I am. But pain is pain. Certainly there must be people out there who understand the struggle of infertility and are called to assist, right? So far my attempts to find grants for embryo adoption have been for not. I’ve also been unsuccessful in locating any infertility support groups in our area. This is sad and makes me feel so alone.

Dang it. Crying at my desk now.

Done for now.

Adoption Options

With adoption there are many options. None of them are easy. Here are my thoughts on a few:

Domestic Adoption:

In a perfect world this would be a wonderful solution for couples who are unable to conceive. In the actual world it can be a traumatic process. It’s sinfully expensive for one thing (when using an agency and adopting a “healthy” infant). Most disturbingly though in many states the birth mother has a full month after the baby is born to “change her mind”. Can you imagine setting up your nursery, having a baby shower, and bringing your baby home all the while knowing that they could come take him/her away from you at any time in that first month. I don’t have it in me. I wouldn’t be strong enough to handle that. I would fight to the death to keep my child. Domestic adoption is not for me.

Domestic Adoption of a Child/Infant with Disabilities or an Older Child/Sibling Group:

I lumped these two together for two reasons:

1. These type of adoptions are very affordable

2. I don’t feel prepared at all to take care of a child with special needs or older children. At least not right now.

Foreign Adoption:

I love foreign adoption. It’s one of the things most precious to my heart. I definitely want to adopt from China, however this is becoming more and more difficult. We’re still 2 years away from meeting the age requirement to adopt from China, but we also must somehow have a net worth of $80,000. Seems so far off right now.

This past summer I went to Guatemala. The children were so precious. I would very much like to adopt from Guatemala. Right now that is not an option due to some issues with the Guatemalan government and our Government regarding adoption. It’s complicated. Not an option at this time.

As I’m sure you can guess, foreign adoption is expensive and time consuming. Costs range from $18,000-40,000 and can take 18 months to years.

Embryo Adoption:

This is an exciting new adoption option. Many couples in the US have been able to build a family using IVF. This has created a new problem for many; what to do with remaining embryos. Pro-life people believe (rightfully) that life begins at conception. This means that the remaining embryos are little lives that are important and deserve a chance to live. Through embryo adoption couples with infertility can legally adopt the embryo before it is implanted into the adoptive mother.

This is something I would have never considered before. Becoming pregnant this way is a difficult and painful process. Each implantation of embryos only have a 30% chance of ending with pregnancy. That means the process often must be repeated for months before a pregnancy occurs. It is also expensive: $8,000 plus home study and other fees. Possibly as much as $15,000 all said and done.

There is one major “pro” with this adoption route: when you deliver your baby and hold him/her for the first time you know he/she is yours. No fear that a birth mother or father will change their mind. No waiting months and months to see your baby while he/she is living across the globe in an orphanage far away from you. This baby is yours and you get to carry it with you for 9 months and be the first person to kiss his/her face. I want that. Can you blame me?

Packing for the Journey

As I said in my first entry, I love adoption. Some people don’t understand it. I’m so thankful I was exposed to adoption growing up.

When I was probably 11 years old my Aunt Sheila and Uncle Charlie adopted their son. It was a private adoption, I believe. If I remember correctly a friend of a friend of a family member was pregnant and wanted to give the baby up for adoption. She was referred to my aunt and uncle who had no children. The baby was born and Sheila, my mom, my Aunt Kathy and her daughter, and I went to the hospital. I don’t know what we were expecting to do there; maybe my aunt would sign paperwork? I don’t know. Anyhow, at the hospital they had us wait in an empty room. My mom and aunts were just chatting and waiting. All of a sudden a nurse wheeled in a hospital crib with a newborn baby lying inside. We were all caught off guard. Everyone gasped. Instantly my aunt burst into tears and kept saying “My baby! My baby!” as she scooped him up and held him for the first time. My mom and Aunt Kathy were bawling of course. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever witnessed.

That same year I saw a news special on TV about the epidemic of orphaned baby girls in China. They explained how China’s 1 child policy meant that baby girls were being aborted or killed at birth. Many who were allowed to live were abandoned. These babies were put in overcrowded orphanages. They showed babies tied up to potty chairs to save on diapers. They were left there for hours and hours every day. I went to my room and cried and prayed that one day God would let me have one of those babies. I’ve been obsessed with Chinese adoption ever since.

As a teenager I was very influenced by my youth pastor and his wife. They were unable to have children but had a girl and a boy through domestic adoption. I loved those kids. Mia called me “Dots” because of my freckles. J I remember the day they adopted their son, Noah. I was staying at a friend’s house with several other girls. We were so excited when we got the call from PM that Noah had arrived. PM and D often talked about adoption and what a great thing it is. They always reminded us that we are ALL adopted into God’s family. I remember talking to D about my desire to adopt and she was so encouraging.

God prepared me for this journey. Now it’s time to live it.

Deciding to be Blessed

October was a terrible month. October is typically one of my favorite months of the year. I always have great expectations for this particular month as the leaves change color, the days get cooler, the nights grow longer, and the best holidays approach. Perhaps that is why I felt like I’d been slapped in the face when everything seemed to go wrong this past October. I’ll spare you the details and just give you the summary: I came down with a nasty cold, Josh ended up with a painful and dangerous staph infection on the back of his neck, Josh was diagnosed with diabetes and his blood stats were terrifying, Josh was in the ER three times and the Dr. office 4 times within 6 days, and then our beloved dogs ruined our somewhat new couch and possibly our living room carpet as well. BAD MONTH.

I love my pastor’s wife. She is wonderful. She called me at the end of October after my pastor told her about my couch being ruined. She called to offer support. Obviously the stress level had been high in our house and I so appreciated her prayers and supportive words. I was on the back porch of my house to get a good cell signal while we talked. Once we ended the call I stood there for a minute thinking. For some reason I just felt so strongly that in the midst of our struggles God would bring peace and blessing.

The next day I told Josh I wanted to move forward with adoption.

No Baby

Adoption: My favorite word. Possibly the way we will build our family. More on that in a future blog.

We were married August 1^st, 2003. Such a wonderful day! We were so young. I wonder why our parents weren’t completely losing their minds over us getting married so young. It must be the peace that comes from knowing that two people are meant to be together. It wasn’t easy at first. In our first three years of marriage we learned a lot about life, love, finances, and being a “grown up”… mostly the hard way. J

I think back to our first year of marriage and I remember how nervous I was that I would end up pregnant before our first anniversary. It was so important to me that we have “our” time before little ones came along. Actually, the farther we go into marriage the more I believe it IS important for couples to have “their” time before starting their family. There is so much to learn about marriage at first. If you’re in your mid to early 20’s there will be a lot to learn about life as well. In my (humble) opinion, each couple would ideally have several years at the beginning of their marriage to build their foundation spiritually, emotionally, and financially.

Only a few months into our marriage I had to stop taking birth control. For me BC was a nightmare! I feel it’s important to say that because so many women suffer in silence. Once I felt confident enough to talk with my friends about the issues I was having I discovered that so many had also had great difficulty with BC (I’m referring to oral contraceptives). I suffered with so many symptoms ranging from insomnia to heavy bleeding. I tried several different low-dose BC’s and eventually had to quit all together and go on anti-depressants because I was so depressed. My hormones were a wreck. It took about 5 years for my cycles to normalize again.

Anyway, after I stopped BC and we made it past our first anniversary I began to get the “baby cravings”. Ladies, you know what I mean. Suddenly you notice every baby, every pregnant woman, and you find yourself in the baby isle at Target learning about bottles and breast pumps. It’s such a strange and sudden shift in perspective that takes you from being a girl who is avoiding pregnancy like the swine flu to being a woman seeing herself as a mommy-to-be. I was all about the baby thing.

A year passed with no baby. Then two years. Then three. My desire for a baby would come and go. Usually around the Fall and Christmas time I would think about having a baby. Then by January the feelings would subside as I would get really busy with my job. Because of this we did not pursue fertility testing at that time. I’ve always dreamed of being a stay-at-home mom. This could not have been a reality had I had a baby in the last few years. For that matter, it’s not going to be a reality if we have a baby in the next few years. This is a fact that I have resigned myself to, understanding that this will (hopefully) be a short-term sacrifice. However, in the first few years of “trying” I consoled myself each month saying “it’s ok because we’re not financially ready anyhow.” Not being financially “ready” was my reason for not pursuing fertility tests until now.

We’re now at year six. No baby.