What to Do (and Not Do) for Parents Suffering a Loss

My thoughts here are based on my own experience with miscarriage, but some points may also fit for those dealing with stillbirth, child loss, or any death of a loved one.

I admit I haven't always known what to do or say for friends experiencing a miscarriage. It is hard to understand unless you've been there. Even then, everyone deals with things in different ways. There are no easy answers. There is no manual to describe exactly what to do and what to say. But here are a few thoughts...

What Not to Say

1. Don't try to say there must be some purpose for this. What purpose could there possibly be for something so awful? It doesn't mean that eventually the family can find ways to use the experience to bring about positive change in their lives. But soon after a loss is not a good time to be talking about there being a purpose. A parent may express that they want to use the tragedy for good in the future, but let them say those things; you shouldn't.

2. Don't suggest that the parents look at the positive side of things. Let people feel what they need to feel.

3. Don't say anything about the baby being in a better place. That is true, but the family left to grieve the loss is not better off.

What to Say

1. I'm sorry. This sucks. It isn't fair.

2. How are you feeling? This is a good question because depending on how the person is feeling about sharing their feelings they can say very little or they can say a lot. Don't push it, just listen.

3. Guys, think of the husband too. It is important to know that the dad is struggling too. Send a text, make a phone call, send a Facebook message and let him know you're there for him.

What to Do

1. Send a text, a Facebook message, or maybe even make a phone call to say you love them and are praying for them. No advice. Nothing intrusive. Just reach out. You don't need to know what to say. Just I'm sorry and I care.

2. Head to the grocery store and call (maybe call the husband if the mom is still suffering physically) or send a text to ask what they want. Toilet paper? Paper towels? Bread, milk, snacks? Don't ask "can I bring you anything?" Say "I'm out now at the store to get some things for you so you don't have to go out. Any suggestions?"

3. Make a meal and drop it off. Call first to find out if they have any food preferences. If they already have meals for that day then make a freezer meal for them to use when they need it.
     Sidebar: When making a meal...
             1. Use disposable containers and let the family know they do not need to return them.
             2. Make a main dish, one or two sides, and dessert.
             3. Consider also making up a nice basket of items for the next morning such as bagels and cream cheese, muffins, biscuits, fruit, a bottle of juice, etc.

4. Send flowers and a card. Some people don't like flowers, so think of an alternative like Edible Arrangements. Another great idea would be a card with a gift card in it. I received a sympathy card and a spa gift card and that was such a nice surprise for me as I was experiencing a difficult miscarriage.

5. Listen. Most parents experiencing loss are actually more interested in talking about the loss than some may think. We want to remember our little one. We need to share our feelings. I don't want to pretend this didn't happen.

6. Encourage mutual friends to reach out. This depends on how public the news of the miscarriage is. If it is appropriate, encourage mutual friends, co-workers, etc. to do things such as those listed above to show support and love for the grieving parents.

7. Adjust your expectation. Don't put any pressure on the parents to do anything extra too soon after the loss. Ease up your expectations of them as a friend, boss, co-worker, family member, etc. Put their feelings first.

8. Don't exclude your friend from social invitations, play dates, etc. They may say no if they're not emotionally up to participating, but being excluded hurts.


If you have more thoughts and ideas please post them in the comments.

<3 Carissa

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