Packing for the Journey

As I said in my first entry, I love adoption. Some people don’t understand it. I’m so thankful I was exposed to adoption growing up.

When I was probably 11 years old my Aunt Sheila and Uncle Charlie adopted their son. It was a private adoption, I believe. If I remember correctly a friend of a friend of a family member was pregnant and wanted to give the baby up for adoption. She was referred to my aunt and uncle who had no children. The baby was born and Sheila, my mom, my Aunt Kathy and her daughter, and I went to the hospital. I don’t know what we were expecting to do there; maybe my aunt would sign paperwork? I don’t know. Anyhow, at the hospital they had us wait in an empty room. My mom and aunts were just chatting and waiting. All of a sudden a nurse wheeled in a hospital crib with a newborn baby lying inside. We were all caught off guard. Everyone gasped. Instantly my aunt burst into tears and kept saying “My baby! My baby!” as she scooped him up and held him for the first time. My mom and Aunt Kathy were bawling of course. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever witnessed.

That same year I saw a news special on TV about the epidemic of orphaned baby girls in China. They explained how China’s 1 child policy meant that baby girls were being aborted or killed at birth. Many who were allowed to live were abandoned. These babies were put in overcrowded orphanages. They showed babies tied up to potty chairs to save on diapers. They were left there for hours and hours every day. I went to my room and cried and prayed that one day God would let me have one of those babies. I’ve been obsessed with Chinese adoption ever since.

As a teenager I was very influenced by my youth pastor and his wife. They were unable to have children but had a girl and a boy through domestic adoption. I loved those kids. Mia called me “Dots” because of my freckles. J I remember the day they adopted their son, Noah. I was staying at a friend’s house with several other girls. We were so excited when we got the call from PM that Noah had arrived. PM and D often talked about adoption and what a great thing it is. They always reminded us that we are ALL adopted into God’s family. I remember talking to D about my desire to adopt and she was so encouraging.

God prepared me for this journey. Now it’s time to live it.

Deciding to be Blessed

October was a terrible month. October is typically one of my favorite months of the year. I always have great expectations for this particular month as the leaves change color, the days get cooler, the nights grow longer, and the best holidays approach. Perhaps that is why I felt like I’d been slapped in the face when everything seemed to go wrong this past October. I’ll spare you the details and just give you the summary: I came down with a nasty cold, Josh ended up with a painful and dangerous staph infection on the back of his neck, Josh was diagnosed with diabetes and his blood stats were terrifying, Josh was in the ER three times and the Dr. office 4 times within 6 days, and then our beloved dogs ruined our somewhat new couch and possibly our living room carpet as well. BAD MONTH.

I love my pastor’s wife. She is wonderful. She called me at the end of October after my pastor told her about my couch being ruined. She called to offer support. Obviously the stress level had been high in our house and I so appreciated her prayers and supportive words. I was on the back porch of my house to get a good cell signal while we talked. Once we ended the call I stood there for a minute thinking. For some reason I just felt so strongly that in the midst of our struggles God would bring peace and blessing.

The next day I told Josh I wanted to move forward with adoption.

No Baby

Adoption: My favorite word. Possibly the way we will build our family. More on that in a future blog.

We were married August 1^st, 2003. Such a wonderful day! We were so young. I wonder why our parents weren’t completely losing their minds over us getting married so young. It must be the peace that comes from knowing that two people are meant to be together. It wasn’t easy at first. In our first three years of marriage we learned a lot about life, love, finances, and being a “grown up”… mostly the hard way. J

I think back to our first year of marriage and I remember how nervous I was that I would end up pregnant before our first anniversary. It was so important to me that we have “our” time before little ones came along. Actually, the farther we go into marriage the more I believe it IS important for couples to have “their” time before starting their family. There is so much to learn about marriage at first. If you’re in your mid to early 20’s there will be a lot to learn about life as well. In my (humble) opinion, each couple would ideally have several years at the beginning of their marriage to build their foundation spiritually, emotionally, and financially.

Only a few months into our marriage I had to stop taking birth control. For me BC was a nightmare! I feel it’s important to say that because so many women suffer in silence. Once I felt confident enough to talk with my friends about the issues I was having I discovered that so many had also had great difficulty with BC (I’m referring to oral contraceptives). I suffered with so many symptoms ranging from insomnia to heavy bleeding. I tried several different low-dose BC’s and eventually had to quit all together and go on anti-depressants because I was so depressed. My hormones were a wreck. It took about 5 years for my cycles to normalize again.

Anyway, after I stopped BC and we made it past our first anniversary I began to get the “baby cravings”. Ladies, you know what I mean. Suddenly you notice every baby, every pregnant woman, and you find yourself in the baby isle at Target learning about bottles and breast pumps. It’s such a strange and sudden shift in perspective that takes you from being a girl who is avoiding pregnancy like the swine flu to being a woman seeing herself as a mommy-to-be. I was all about the baby thing.

A year passed with no baby. Then two years. Then three. My desire for a baby would come and go. Usually around the Fall and Christmas time I would think about having a baby. Then by January the feelings would subside as I would get really busy with my job. Because of this we did not pursue fertility testing at that time. I’ve always dreamed of being a stay-at-home mom. This could not have been a reality had I had a baby in the last few years. For that matter, it’s not going to be a reality if we have a baby in the next few years. This is a fact that I have resigned myself to, understanding that this will (hopefully) be a short-term sacrifice. However, in the first few years of “trying” I consoled myself each month saying “it’s ok because we’re not financially ready anyhow.” Not being financially “ready” was my reason for not pursuing fertility tests until now.

We’re now at year six. No baby.